Checked out insomnia.
I’m not sure if what I have is insomnia.
It’s not that I have difficulties sleeping.
If I feel tired enough or the surroundings are peaceful enough, when I do hit that bed, I sleep like a log.
It’s more like I don’t want to sleep.
Like I’m in a trance and just can’t get my body to bed.
Like I still have to do something.
Mind overdrive?
So I made this post.
I’m scared to live all by myself in one house.
I think I’ll forever be alert.
I still couldn’t shake off my childhood monsters lurking in the shadows.
Supernatural stuff.
And then there’s real monster people.
And housing is still too expensive.
But if ever, one housemate is all I need.
In a small home.
With a nice kitchen.
And a little garden.
Some people compensate your time and skills with money.
Some with favors.
Keep both.
I’m still craving for cranberry fruit tea, ugh.
What’s happening to me?
Bursts of obsession.
Later, dropped in an instant.
Crazy.
Too much death and life stuff.
Let me just say that I love the cranberry fruit tea from this local tea shop.
Two shots cranberry syrup + light-pressed green tea + boba and green tea jelly.
Iced.
No added sweetener.
Ugh.
I can go on about life, too.
I don’t want to die in a hospital.
I want to die like that character I saw in a movie, where she just sat in a rocking chair facing a lake and waited.
I don’t want any tubes or drugs to keep me alive.
I want to die with nature surrounding me.
Then I want my loved ones to have a party for me.
To celebrate and reminisce my life with them.
To feel pain every month.
To shed blood.
I don’t know if I should be thankful.
Life is an endurance game.
Saw this post on my fb newsfeed that says something like the stars and planets will continue even if one kills herself, so why not?
It disturbed others.
But some thought about it.
Some opened up.
Maybe lives were saved that day.
Maybe some chose to find peace outside life.
Sometimes it’s hard to respect other people’s choices.
It hurts us to see our loved ones burst.
But sometimes we just have to look beyond our personal pain and think about the other person.
If us millennials are overwhelmed with this life, what more the past generations?
Respect is the only way to bridge the gap.
Since there is no assurance in a romantic relationship, might as well have two plans.
One, of a future with my Sergeant.
Two, of a future with just myself.
Since I’m not a multitasker, this will be a challenge.
Madnessibility 
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